March 18, 2023
HIDDEN
In the afternoon, Liam arrived in Charleston for his scheduled appointment with Dr. Anderson. Arriving early, Liam parked his car at the Medical Plaza parking lot. He walked into the building and found the office: Dr. Michael Anderson, M.D., PsyD., Suite 104. The receptionist greeted him, “Good morning, Mr. Doyle. It will just be a few minutes. Have a seat. Would you like some water?”
“No, I’m fine.”
There was no one in the waiting room. It smelled of new carpet and fresh paint. He heard a melody from Vivaldi’s Four Seasons overhead. Liam recalled the evening he and Aika attended the symphony at the Kennedy Center in D.C. His heart moved as the strings of summer called. The meter lowered and rose like an eagle’s flight in the wind.
“Mr. Doyle?” Pause. “Mr. Doyle?”
Liam was startled. “Yes.”
“Follow me, please.”
Dr. Anderson stood by the third door on the left.
“It’s good to see you again, Liam.” Extending his hand, he motioned into the room. “It’s been a long time. Two years, I believe?”
Liam replied, “Yes, it has.” He walked over to the brown leather couch.
Dr. Anderson confirmed, “How are you feeling today?”
“Fine. I felt fine when I left the ER.
“Well, that’s good. What would you like to talk about today?”
Dr. Anderson always started with: “What would you like to talk about today?” There was no agenda. No direction, but Liam always seemed to end at a destination. Maybe not immediately, but later that day or within a few days, there would suddenly be a connection, an epiphany. His mind traveled the road of his subconscious and reached the destination. The answer was always there, hidden. He didn’t know how to formulate the question on his own.
Liam rested his head on the back of the couch and looked at the ceiling. He started, “I blacked out, and the next thing I remember was waking up in the ER. I don’t understand what happened.”
“And do you want to understand?”
Dr. Anderson’s obvious questions sometimes took Liam aback. “Yes, I would like to understand.”
“Liam, I want to try something we haven’t done before.” He placed the pad on his desk and moved forward in his chair.
“Sure, why not?”
Softly, “Good.” He moved his chair closer. “Continue to look at the ceiling and listen to my voice. Follow my voice. Relax. Inhale deeply through your nose. Now, slowly let that breath out through your mouth. Good. Now let’s do that two more times, and on the last exhale, close your eyes.”
Liam exhaled and then closed his eyes.
Dr. Anderson, in a soft voice, said, “Good. Relax and breathe normally. You know you can go even deeper. Starting at 99, you will count backward; when you reach 96, you will be ten times more relaxed, and when you reach 95, you will be ten times more relaxed. Let’s start. Repeat after me, 99, 98, 97, 96, 95.”
Liam followed and counted. By 95, he was not counting anymore but was utterly relaxed.
“What do you see, Liam?’
“Birds. Hundreds of birds flying erratically.”
“Where are you, Liam?”
“I am at my house. On the deck.”
“Good.” Dr. Anderson whispered. “We are going to go deeper.”
“You are standing at the top of a flight of stairs. Can you see the stairs?”
Liam whispered, “Yes.”
“As you descend, you will become even more relaxed with each step.” Dr. Anderson moved closer and requested, “Let me know when you reach the bottom. Begin walking down.”
After a short time, Liam whispered, “I am at the bottom.”
“What do you see?”
“I am looking through a broken window from the second floor.”
“Where are you?”
“Najeeban, Afghanistan.”
“Why are you there?”
“To extract a Taliban Warlord.”
“How did you get there?”
“Two armored vehicles.”
“Who is with you, Liam?”
“Raymond, Kennedy, and Wojcik and William Buford, we call him Billy.”
“Why?”
“Because he is such a young kid.” Liam smiles. “Everybody loves Billy. We try to protect him. Keep him safe. His tour is up in two weeks. He’ll be going home.”
Suddenly, Liam began to breathe faster.
“What’s happening, Liam?”
“The Taliban have spotted us. There’s an explosion on the floor below us. Hundreds of birds fly into and out of the room and down the stairwell. Now, the birds are flying in an erratic pattern above the street. There is a Taliban fighter with a rocket launcher. Now another.” Liam shouts louder, “Keep down, Billy! Plaster is raining down on us. One Taliban fighter goes down. He fired his rocket, which only travels about 25 feet and then explodes on the ground.” Liam breathes even faster. “The Taliban Warlord is leaving the building. Now he is down.”
Dr. Anderson directs, “Slow your breath down. You have moved forward in time. What are you doing now?”
“We have called in air support. We run down a flight of stairs to the first floor. Billy and I run to the armored truck. I use the 50-caliber machine gun providing cover for Raymond, Kennedy, and Wojcik, as they run to the other vehicle. I hear choppers firing at the Taliban positions. Billy starts to drive us out of the village.”
Liam is now screaming. Shouting. “Get Down! Get Down!”
Dr. Anderson questions, “What’s happening?”
“An explosion!” Liam shouts, “Fire! I can’t breathe.” Liam struggles to breathe and yells, “Billy! Billy!”
Liam’s breath became labored, and he cried. He opened his eyes wide and inhaled deeply as if reaching the water’s surface.
Dr. Anderson places a hand on Liam’s shoulder and says reassuringly, “You're safe now. You’re safe. You’re here in my office.” He filled a glass with water from the pitcher and handed it to Liam.
Liam took the glass of water, sipped, and insisted, “It was so real.”
“We now know what the trigger was, the birds. The flock of birds you saw on your backyard deck sent your subconscious mind back to battle in Najeeban.”
“You couldn’t save Billy.”
“I should have done something.”
“You couldn’t save Billy.”
“There should have been something that I could have done.”
“There was nothing you could have done. Isn’t that right, Liam?” Dr. Anderson waited while Liam sat holding his bent head with his hands. “We started this session with your wish to understand. Your feeling that you could have done something different to save Billy is guilt. What you are experiencing is survivor’s guilt. You survived a life-threatening situation, and Billy didn’t.”
Minutes passed, and Liam finally uttered, “No. No, there was nothing I could have done.” His body began to shake, and deep inside, he groaned, “No.” He continued to cry, gently shaking. He wrapped his arms around himself and rocked back and forth. After a few minutes, he composed himself and asked, “What can prevent this from happening again?”
“Liam, the subconscious is, at most times, very hidden. Yesterday’s trigger may be different from a trigger tomorrow.”
Liam nodded in agreement.
“This is what we do know. When you were at home on the deck and felt that knot in your chest, and your breathing became shallow, you knew what was happening. When that happens, slow down. Slow your breath down. Take a deep breath and slowly expand your lungs. You are safe. It will pass.”
After leaving the office, he sat in his car, exhausted. Suddenly, he thought of Billy, and just as suddenly, there was a connection. He arrived at the destination. The explosion killed Billy and could have just as easily killed him. Tears ran down his cheeks. He thought, “There was nothing I could have done.”